What’s happening?!

So, it hit me recently that I was moving through life and making decisions with my ego. Not all aspects of my life, but definitely some. This troubled me because this time it affected my money! Like, get it together. Cue in Big Worm.

To give you some context, I’m working my way towards my version of financial freedom. I have been exploring and trying different ways to make extra income, from various investment opportunities to dabbling in real estate and starting businesses. I made what I thought were smart and lucrative investment choices. I did my due diligence and was planting seeds, waiting for some fruit to bear. Come to find out, it didn’t bear the type of fruit I was expecting. The fruit is gone. Okay! Granted, I get the risks involved in investing, but this time hit differently, and I started asking myself questions, right? A lot of questions.

Now, I’m trying to understand my thought process, and this reflection led me to realize that I was making financial decisions based on fear, which is lame as hell.

If I were really paying attention to how I was feeling at the time, I would have noticed how my choices were being sourced more by my ego and less by my intuition.

By ego, I mean the self we think we are. The self that is driven by our desires.  The voice in our heads that can influence our decisions by prioritizing immediate gratification, self image, or validation. Be it being driven by fear, by scarcity, maybe even a hint of unhealthy competition, among other things. Hindsight being 20/20, I was moving out of FOMO. The fear of missing opportunities. Which stems from a place of lack, and what did I get?…More of it. Damn! I also noticed I ignored some yellow flags. I didn’t stop and question them. I just kept on. I was focused on a goal and certain results and superficially checked in.  I didn’t sense how I truly felt about these choices and investments as a whole.  My awareness got lost and I couldn’t hear my inner guidance.   

If I had made choices based on a better understanding of myself, I might have realized these opportunities weren’t the best for me and trusted that other ones would present themselves.  

Now, I’m all for trying different things to see what works or not, but these choices weren’t necessary… Well, I guess they were because I learned a lot about myself—lol. I learned to pay more attention to what my ego sounds and feels like vs. my intuition. I actually got a better understanding of my motivation for doing some of the things that I want to do. I also gained more clarity about myself and how I move as a whole in terms of my decision-making and even recognized some patterns that needed to be adjusted. All in all, I guess it was a good thing; it just hurt and pissed me off.

Sure, I was meant to go through this, but it could’ve been avoided, or I could’ve made different decisions—maybe saved some money. 

Have you experienced something similar? How does your ego/intuition communicate with you? Can you recognize which is which? Do you even care? 

If everything had worked out as expected, I might have not realized how nuanced the dance between ego and intuition is or even paid attention to it. My ego is loud as hell, lol.